One of my many problems.....

Ok, this is weird. My third post in one day. Who would have thought that at 10:40pm with everyone asleep (Even the dog ) I would be doing this. It definitely is therapeutic to put my thoughts on paper. Not for others to read so much, as for myself to read and to learn about myself. When we were dating, my wife used to call me the Tasmanian Devil ( cartoon character form Bug Bunny); she thought the character's physical stature (thick upper body and smaller legs) reminded her of me. It still makes me laugh when I think of it. I tend to think it's my temperament that is more like it. For those who don't know what I mean. In the cartoons the Tasmanian Devil blows through a room in the shape of a tornado twister. I feel often that's how I go through life. I am so caught up in trying to do everything and fix everything. Even though my intentions are great, after I leave the room. It's a disaster zone.

Often I say "my best asset is also my worst enemy", it's so true. My personality of never letting a friend or love one go and sticking by them, also is my achilles heel. I never let people go and let them fall and learn at their own pace.... I take that privilege away from God. So here I am with a baby girl sleeping upstairs and I have to learn what to battle and what to let go with her. When to be stern and when to be soft. When to discipline and when to hug. Yes, with my daughter at 10 weeks old. I am starting to stress about it already. How come nobody told me fatherhood would be so hard!!!!!

I am a stress case. I think too much.

It's weird to be me. i am not fully Taiwanese and definitely not American. i can't write chinese, and I can't sing american children's songs. i have always been stuck straddling two continents. Not quite one thing, and not good enough to be another. Why am I writing this? People who know me knows I am not a cry baby by nature. but having a baby has stirred something in me that I can not quite explain. I came to America at 8 years-old. A chubby Taiwanese boy who loved to eat. i was picked on and beaten up, simple because i was different. will my daughter be treated the same way? The thoughts of this terrifies me. She could be treated differently by people simply because she looks different, will being chinese/taiwanese and Scotish/irish be a curse or a blessing?

What about me how will I be as a father? Will I fail and succeed just like my father? I look in the mirror and see so many flaws inside and out. will my daughter see them? will she still love her dad and respect him despite them?

It's funny that I try to tell my wife to look at the good in life and also the youth (high school kids I help with at church). i tell her to be positive and to live in the moment. Do I do that myself?? To be honest I don't think I do. I worry about everything and everyone. where does God fit in all of this chaos...

Everyone else is doing it......

Everyone in their mothers has a blog, so maybe I should try as well. I never kept a journal growing up, never was diciplined enough to. This could very well be my first and last entry. but hey i gotta give it a shot. I have been reading my wife's and also chad and sarah's. I am so envious of them... Words seem to flow from them . It just seems so natural. Things are never natural for me. It's taken me 30 minutes just to write that. I've got problems!!! i don't own a business, i didn't just become a mother. What do i write about? what can I contribute?